AUTHENTIC LOVE
Being vulnerable and authentic is difficult for me. It's like stepping out onto the ledge of a cliff, feeling exposed, and one small slip could be disastrous. I want to be the person who people like, trying to fit in and be accepted, I don't want to show any of my weakness because I'm afraid that you will think differently of me, and showing up as me has the potential where I will feel judged or even hurt. Being vulnerable is difficult.
I hope I gain some courage to be happy with being real of who I am and allowing my feelings and opinions matter. I am aware that I am enough and that the perceptions of others is a reflection of them and not of me. But you see, I know this, I consciously know this. I struggle with this often; it's not something I'm proud of, in fact, I wish that I can be straight up with my feelings and say what's on my mind and what I'm feeling. The fear of hurting others over my feelings is a tight rope of being liked or being me. I'm not saying that I deceive or manipulate others or anything like that - I have integrity, and I am a kind and genuine person; I am truthful, loyal, honest, and very trusting. But I'm far from perfect. All I'm saying is that I sometimes value your perception of me and your feelings about me more than I do of myself. Ridiculous, I know! I am the guy they would call a "people pleaser." I am not trying to impress you but instead, I'm being agreeable and not creating conflict. I avoid conflict and run away from it because I don't like that feeling of contention. And yet deep down inside I try to show up and be me. However, in the moment your opinion matters more, more than my own, and dang it, I am so bad at that, but I'm learning to become better in showing up. It makes me feel non-authentic because I wonder if I'm real. But with all of that said, I'm trying - I am trying consistently, every single day, to be more authentic with who I am, and you know - I'm a work in progress and wherever I am in this process - I am okay with who I am and who I'm trying to become. So, in trying to become more vulnerable, I share this with you.
It's never easy to think about the scars on the journey of life. But sometimes it's a beautiful reminder of where you were and where you want to be and who you want to become.
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| August 2016 |
This photo of me was at the end of August 2016, at the time, I was married for almost ten years, and it came crashing down nearly three years ago. This photo represents my vulnerable self, not the one that's 'Instagram worthy' or 'Facebook perfect' but the one where I am raw and real. It's not me doing adventurous things or traveling the world or telling you that my life is all roses and rainbows, because let's be honest - it rarely is, but this selfie, with all of its rawness is me after a wrenching cry, me where my heart was in so much hurt, me where thoughts of the future seemed dismal, me where uncertainty hung in the balance, me where I was torn up inside and my tears were a visual reminder of it all, me where life had no direction or purpose, but it also was me finding the courage, strength, resilience to move forward.
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| August 2016 |
I really didn't know how or what that looked like, but I had faith that it will all be okay. The little hope that I had, was not invested in myself, not in any of the abilities that I carried, not in any person or anything that would give me confidence that life would be better, but in my anchor of the Savior. Knowing that He cared enough for me to suffer and bear my sorrows and feel my pain. He did that so I can feel hope in the darkness, so I can believe in doubts, so I can have joy in times of grief. But most of all, He did it because of love.
The experiences of going through adversity in life, no matter how difficult they are, has taught me that the love of Jesus Christ can carry us through the trenches of heartache and disappointment. This love will transcend times of brokenness and anguish. This love is infinite and available whenever and wherever. This love is a love that we deserve and more importantly, need in times of despair and loneliness. That love my friends is real and authentic, broken times mend - WE MEND, healing becomes real and eternal, where hope is never lost, but within our reach - No. Matter. What.
Divorce, no matter the reasons, can be difficult for anyone. That a fairytale of happiness has ended and the thought of walking in the world alone will be a reality. Not just divorce can be lonely, but being single too, because dreaming of a fairytale love story can be disappointing at times, and the thoughts of going through life alone can be an emotional roller coaster. I want to tell you that no matter the feelings you may have, understand that is okay, and that you will be okay, don't lose hope and find joy in making a life of meaning for yourself.
Dating also can be hard because you share yourself, your likes, dislikes, experiences, and history of what shaped who you are today. You do this in hopes to let people in your life, that one day you will find the kind of love you've always dreamed for and find a person who will love you for you, with all the rawness that you are. But the hard thing about dating is - is the fact that searching takes effort, building experiences takes time, getting to be open with someone takes courage, realization that no one is perfect takes patience and figuring it all out involves choices, and let's be honest, some choices are never the ones we'd hoped for because the thought of loneliness starts to seep in.
Love, however, is a catalyst of hope that we need in our lives. It's an exciting thing, and to be honest, my life has been a pattern of love. Where the love of my mother was so strong, she smuggled me out of a hospital at birth. She did so in fear, so I wouldn't be taken from her because of the hospital bills she could not afford because we were poor. Yet, that same mother was willing to give that love away so quickly as I became a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Or the love of a spouse of ten years would last for eternity, to be easily taken for granted in an instant. You know love can conquer countries and overcome the impossible, but it also can put a man down to his knees because of the pain of what he feels inside.
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| "Fear Not... in Me Your Joy is Full." (D&C 101:36) |
There will be hard, difficult moments in this journey of life. I hope we can feel His true love, that authentic love, in the times we need it most, in times of our vulnerability and weaknesses, in the times of loneliness and heartache, in times of despair and darkness may we seek that love ALWAYS. It's when we look for heavenly rays of love on the darkest of days, is where we will find warmth, a warmth that reminds us we are loved beyond our own imagination and warmth that assures us that things will be okay.
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